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Maternal Guilt.
Jan. 9th, 2004 03:43 amSo I called home tonight during a lull, and talked to my kid.
He was sitting on the floor, doing something new: he'd picked up his book (Do's and Don'ts) and was pointing at the pages, and saying "Do! Don't!".
Pointing, mind you, at the correct pages-- when he pointed at "Do", I was given to understand that the page was something on the order of "Do brush your teeth" and when he pointed at "Don't", the page was something like "Don't brush your teeth with peanut butter".
He got on the phone with me and "Do-Don't!"-ed me a few times.
And here I am at 3:45 AM, sitting up and feeling guilty. I feel like I'm missing every new thing he does. I feel like I can't be a good mother and a good physician. I feel inadequate, in short: incompetent to handle sick patients, incompetent to be a mother.
And I wonder how many mom-doctors feel this way. The ICU fellow was just here, 8 months pregnant and being all confident and aggressive and dedicated.
She's got three kids, but I can't even picture her sitting up late at night and considering a crying jag because she's a bad mommy.
Some women, I guess, can do it all.
It's hard to accept that I can't.
He was sitting on the floor, doing something new: he'd picked up his book (Do's and Don'ts) and was pointing at the pages, and saying "Do! Don't!".
Pointing, mind you, at the correct pages-- when he pointed at "Do", I was given to understand that the page was something on the order of "Do brush your teeth" and when he pointed at "Don't", the page was something like "Don't brush your teeth with peanut butter".
He got on the phone with me and "Do-Don't!"-ed me a few times.
And here I am at 3:45 AM, sitting up and feeling guilty. I feel like I'm missing every new thing he does. I feel like I can't be a good mother and a good physician. I feel inadequate, in short: incompetent to handle sick patients, incompetent to be a mother.
And I wonder how many mom-doctors feel this way. The ICU fellow was just here, 8 months pregnant and being all confident and aggressive and dedicated.
She's got three kids, but I can't even picture her sitting up late at night and considering a crying jag because she's a bad mommy.
Some women, I guess, can do it all.
It's hard to accept that I can't.
